FORTY-NINE

Image © Jose & MidJourney

Today was one of those days, and you know what it means when someone says that. It was a bit chaotic as someone would describe, I overslept which I never do, I guess I needed the sleep. Then I planned something, and the wife planned something different, typical lack of communication which they say is responsible for 90% of disagreements. Then, rushed to catch-up and correct, ended up having a Zoom call during lunch, had a few moments of peace and laughter, but it all seemed… chaotic. After lunch, went somewhere that was packed, and hot, I was overdressed because it was cold outside. Driving back & forth, breathing deeply in between, wishing it was all smoother, calmer, more relaxed. And we took some photos, they captured the smiling moments like photos do. Anyone looking at those photos will never guess the chaotic day it was, and this made me think about the tip vs. bigger part of the iceberg underwater analogy of every photo, every snapshot carries that unsaid, invisible layer of life.

More importantly, as I caught myself taking big breaths in between the chaos, I ended up thinking that we might be wired to wish for things that are not only hard to achieve but are in some ways unnatural. While I understand the aspiration of a certain quietness, are we as human beings wired for it? I don’t want to do the greener grass thing, saying that those that do not live in the city, or those that don’t have social obligations, have it better. I am sure there are people having chaotic days in that cabin in the woods up in the mountains, while percentage wise there are some places, some people, some times of the year which they might be having a lot quieter and relaxed days, something tells me most of us, the other humans, are having more or less chaotic days while aspiring for something unnatural.

I am not saying we should just get used to constant chaotic days, they do cause stress, beyond correlation, the causation lies in how the brain and body respond to unpredictability and overwhelming situations.  I don’t want to avoid the topic of stress and the fact that manageable stress can be beneficial, but when it becomes chronic it’s bad to physical and mental health. I tend to believe I am not stressed, but I have learned that my body has ways of telling me otherwise, and it signals it in a very specific way – my eye, usually the right, trembles in a non-visible fashion. I feel it, I can’t stop it by rubbing the eyes or similar, if I ask someone to look at my eye, they see nothing. But when it happens, I typically acknowledge and start thinking about what might be causing the stress, and tend to address it because I take it like the blinking light in a car dashboard, you don’t want it to become constant red.

Today my eye didn’t tremble, but there were other physical signs that I was stressed with the chaos, the breathing was one of them. And while I was trying to cope with the chaos, I found myself wanting to deal with it as a blessing, as a mind & body fitness exercise. Those that know me have heard me say that the entire body is a muscle, and you need to exercise it in many ways. Thought I am very conscious of what I cook and eat, I do eat fast food occasionally. Though I am regimented and will typically be in bed by 10pm, on weekends I might binge and stay up till 3am, and I do this in many other areas of my life, sort of keep my body and mind fit by always bringing in a certain level of unpredictability, even discomfort, to ensure I am able to deal with it without major harm. This is my reflection, about my day, a day in my life. I do not intend to pass judgement on those that think and feel differently, nor I am advocating this as a way of life for anyone else, but as I am here listening to classical music, having a drink and writing about my chaotic day, I feel relaxed but want to embrace my entire day, including the chaos.